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Kashmir Impulse's picture
Let there be light !

Let there be light!
'Keep showing up.' This is what my therapist kept reiterating to me as I struggled with another bout of depression. 'How does one keep showing up?' I asked with desperation from a point of darkness that only those that have experienced it would understand. The next day I receive a call from her and she reads out a letter to me, saying she wouldn't tell me who the writer is until the very end. As she reads one line after another it seems as if she is only reading back whatever I have felt and told her. 'Does it resonate with you?' she asks me. 'Every single word,' I tell her, knowing she already knows, knowing she already has heard all this and much more from me. At the end of this exercise, she tells me it was what Leo Tolstoy wrote a year before he was to write his best ever work. 'War and peace?' I ask tentatively. 'Bingo!' she says.
Yes it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one to have been feeling this way over and over again. But again the question. 'How does one keep hanging in there?'
'That's the real struggle and there are no easy answers to this one. But it's possible.'
Another phone call. This time my father, 'Be strong. I know you are fighting, but I also know you will come out of it,' he says as I burst into tears pleading for help. 'No, I'm not strong. No I am a complete disappointment.' And then he recites verses from Surah Ad Duha (The Morning Light), yet another surah he has put to memory.
And there he tells me how the Prophet, in his moments of despondency, went into something akin to modern day depression, when he thought the thread that connected him with the Divine had snapped. The Divine--The Light, The Noor, plunging him into depths of darkness. Because what is darkness, after all, if not an absence of light manifest?

Khudi ki jalwatun mei mustafai,
Khudi ki khalwatun mei kibriyai...

Depression, as other mental conditions, is real, palpable and incapacitating. But it can be kept at bay. I hope it helps others that suffer or have suffered come out of the woodworks.

Let's talk! And let there be light!

Let there be Light

Which one am I?

The one that thought the world was out there waiting to be conquered?

Or the one afraid of making the passage through the dark tunnel

Scared of traversing the birth canal?

Which one am I?

The one that found happiness in the music of the rustling leaves

Or the one that finds the shadow of her own silence deafening?

Which one am I?

The one that opened her arms to admit Light?

Or the one that goes chasing back darkness?

The one that could see the good in all?

Or the one that sees nothing but wrong?

Which one am I?

Which one?

That radiant Circle of Hope?

Or the Dark cloud of despair?

The one that opens her palms to let go?

Or the one that clings at feet begging them to stay?

Which one? Which one am I?

The one that shuts all doors to recourse?

Or the one that keeps knocking till her fingers are sore?

The one that jumps in, without a thought?

Or the one that simply forgets what she had sought?

Which ones are we?

The ones that find beauty and connect in the power of speech?

Or the ones that think only limpid silences can truly teach?

The ones that forget so easily all important lessons learnt?

Or those that still hold onto the pain of eager fingers burnt?

What are we?

Bodies straight jacketed in a stiff ‘I’?

Or souls soaring freely in the Vision of His Eye?

Are we travelers on the path of the Right?

Or defectors that have left the Source of Light?

Where are we?

Lost in the hollowness of our minute, carved out beings?

Or found in the fullness of the all encompassing Being?

Must we thus shrink forever?

Or perennially expand?

Must we lie still?

Or keep moving until

We find that place meant for us to reside

Not these narrow, shady lanes of dampness

But blue oceans deep and the rivers wide

Lie nestled in the warmth of our nests at night

And soar yet high, to our heart’s delight

My flapping wings might somedays be weak

But aren’t You there to pull me, to tweak?

Let me glide forever, under Your watchful gaze

Let Your Glow keep all shuddering candles ablaze….

Let new Beginnings mark each end

Soften the curves, ease the bends

Always within reach, always within our sight

Come, come, come inside me

Let there be Light… Let there be Light…

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